Ok, here we go. A one, a two, aaaaand, tada, Sunny Leone, she of the bountiful breasts, top-lining a film which calls itself, proudly, a sex com to beat all sex comedies.
So are we to get a bouncy, squishy, panting, roll-on-the-floor, rising-till-the-rooftop fun fest?
Having suffered through two hours of non-stop crassness, I am sorry to tell you that there are barely two-and-a-half laughs in ‘Mastizaade’. The alleged ‘masti’ is so ‘sasti’, that you are left cringing rather than cracking up.
Sunny Leone plays a double role, going by the name of Laila and Lily. One plays with her pusski, aka, cat. The other is a balls-cleaner, i.e, she cleans round, spherical objects with a cloth. The surname is, yes, Lele.
This gives the script an all-clear pass to bung in rhyming jokes, and a name. Tusshar Kapoor is called Sunny Kele. This gives the scriptwriter a chance to brandish childish lines about bananas. ‘Coz a ‘kela’ is not a fruit. It is, yep, you got that. We get the humble ba-na-na featuring in many scenes– peeled, unpeeled, yellow, green: for variation, out pop water hoses, and other elongated things which resemble, yes, yes, we know you know. Out come the standard, dull lines about ‘lena’-and-‘dena’: apart from the rest of the cast using these words every few minutes, we get a pneumatic doll sticking out every imaginable place with surgically enhanced extensions, talking of ‘loongi, and doongi’. Hear it for women, yay. Body parts stand and droop. And we hear, sigh, ‘khada hai, baitha hai’. Coins leap up from crotches and stick in unmentionable parts. That’s at least a new one. Oh, and before I forget, Vir Das plays a guy called Aditya Chotiya, the surname lending itself to, yeah, you got that too.
Messers Kele and Chotiya are sex addicts. Yes, that’s how it rolls. And Misses Laila and Lily (the only way to differentiate between the two is that one wears glasses; the cup size, straining at jib, is identical) are at hand, ahem, to cure them.
Into this mix turns up a wheelchair bound hunk (Shaad Randhawa) whose working above-the-waist is, self-confessedly, totally in order. And Asrani, as a white-haired, rifle-clad I don’t what, and Sushmita (who was also in last week’s ‘Kya Kool Hain Hum 3’) I don’t really want to know. Suresh Menon is made to play the kind of grotesque gay caricature who bites his lips, and grinds his butt, and makes the faintest chance of laughter dry up.
Characters come and go, ha ha. Riteish Deshmukh has a bit part, oh yes. He talks of man-gasms, when he talks at all. In the rest, he goes beep-beep. Which is actually a smart thing: a whole film full of beeps would be better than this non-stop spouting of words and phrases that would convulse innocent pre-teens, and past-it fifty-plus year olds who’ve just discovered the existence of porn videos.
And yes, that brings us to Sunny Leone, whose comfort with her body beautiful is presumably the sole reason for this film to exist. She is gorgeous, this woman. But the moment she opens her mouth, she’s oh-so-boring. Can nakedness be as dull-as-ditchwater? Yes, when that’s all there is. She is made to say: ‘sambhal ke rakhna Mr Kele kyonki aa rahi hai Laila Lele’. Teeth, gnash. Whatever happened to the smart girl underneath all that skin?
Not moan, because that would be the kind of sound this film should encourage. But groan.
Star cast of Mastizaade: Sunny Leone, Tusshar Kapoor, Vir Das, Suresh Menon, Asrani, Viveck Vasvani, Sushmita Mukherjee
Director : Milap Zaveri